i’m trying to use this less. my personal thoughts should be……..personal.
friday night was great though. i wanted to come home and write about it but i couldn’t. i felt appreciated for the first time in a really long time.
you guys don’t even understand
i love birds
today i came home and i just looked at my birds with such jealousy because they’re so beautiful and they can fly and i am a stupid ugly human
i hope that when i die i become a bird
you know in Mean Girls, where cady becomes obsessed with regina and won’t stop talking about her? i feel like that now. at every break in a conversation, i feel the need to say something about lenna. i can’t help it. i’m still just so angry.
i talked to her mom, because “right now isn’t a good time to talk to her” (i’ve been waiting for 3 months, really) and not only did she show her mom what i wrote to her, which was not supposed to happen (i mean i don’t really mind but there were some bad words in there :x) but apparently she’s mad at me because i didn’t save her a seat at fuddrucker’s when we went to eat at lunch.
if you are willing to throw away our friendship over something so trivial (SHE CRIED ABOUT IT. I HAD NO IDEA THERE WAS EVEN A PROBLEM UNTIL HER MOM TOLD ME), please tell me why we are friends.
this whole thing could have easily been solved by you asking me to save you a seat (even though there weren’t any seats, i had to share one with somebody. i thought she wanted to sit with her mom, we’ve done that before and i don’t know why this time was so different). i feel bad for telling you that i would be your friend again, because wow i really do not. i can’t be myself around you. and now that i don’t have you holding me back, i’m going to finally do all those things i’ve wanted to do since forever. and i’ve promised to myself to not make it awkward. i’ll find someone else to go to concerts with. i don’t need you.
i want you to know what it truly feels like to be friendless, because then i think you’ll finally appreciate everything i’ve done for you.
i just looked through all my photos from this year because i wanted to send some to my penpal, and
oh
my
god.
i don’t even want to go out in public. in every single one i had a fucking double chin. and acne. and my arms looked like tree trunks and so did my legs.
it doesn’t even matter if i’m skinny or not. i’m always going to be ugly. i can’t believe i’m not crying right now because i feel like absolute shit.
dieting to me means sacrificing a part of myself, the part that wants to eat/do whatever she wants, and i don’t want to do that. but on the other hand, the way i look is so upsetting to me, i need to do something.
i’m glad i don’t feel comfortable the way i look because that would mean that i would never change, and i obviously need to.
i cannot go swimming tomorrow, or any other time for that matter. i can’t believe i ever went at all. my body is absolutely horrifying.
is it bad that i’m still fucking jealous of my friend, the one that i’m also angry at? she may be the most annoyingly immature people i know, but she made a plan to lose weight and she’s sticking to it.
i, on the other hand, have the same goal as her and have spent the day eating and not exercising. i hate this. i hate feeling jealous, and i hate feeling fat. i hate that i joined the swim team, because i completely regret it and i don’t think i can back out now.
this just sucks. i need some motivation.
i’ve been feeling a little bit better about myself recently.
i know that sounds like a good thing, but my insecurities are kind of a big part of me.
my hatrid for myself (along with my AP lang teacher) kind of led me to the way i think about life now, which i love. and now that i like the way i look a little more, i feel like i’m losing part of the other part of me that i already love.
i don’t even know if this makes sense, but i just wish i could be confident and maintain my world view at the same time. but i don’t think that’s possible.
i also wish i could lose forty pounds, but i don’t think i have the self-control.
i also wish i could keep a conversation going, but i don’t think i have the social skills.
i also wish i could feel confident without wearing makeup, but i really really don’t think that will ever happen.
i also wish i set realistic standards for myself, but i can’t seem to do it any other way.
maybe i do need a change in my thinking.
well i’m going pants shopping with my mom tomorrow so expect a decrease in my self-esteem and a post about my nasty body and how i cried in the dressing room.
that’s a gif? really? i couldn’t tell!
skdfkjsdhgs that bothers me so much.
more unpopular opinions:
this is going to be a stupid girly post but today my friend and i went to santucci’s, and the most attractive kid i have ever seen was in there. we made eye contact like 5,000 times and i was just thinking to myself “why can’t i be beautiful enough to get youuuuuuu” which is pretty lame but it’s just the truth.
in other news i am sick and i feel like crap. fortunately, i am not swimming tomorrow. i don’t want to swim next week either……………..but idk if they’ll let me skip.
sigh. this is going to get so complicated.
